1
00:00:29,150 --> 00:00:32,689
Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

2
00:00:32,689 --> 00:00:36,570
in a packed program tonight, we shall be
talking to a Texas man who made a

3
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,930
fortune selling smokeless fuel to red
Indian couples who aren't speaking to

4
00:00:39,930 --> 00:00:40,930
other.

5
00:00:41,790 --> 00:00:45,610
And we'll be talking to an insecticide
maker who has just produced an

6
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,190
aphrodisiac for flies.

7
00:00:47,570 --> 00:00:50,890
It doesn't kill them, but it lets you
swat two of them at a time.

8
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:56,830
And then we shall talk to a showbiz
chef.

9
00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,920
who crossed Raquel Welsh with a packet
of Bisto and got gravy with very big

10
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:01,920
lumps.

11
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:10,980
And also to a man who crossed Basil
Brush with a cenopod and got a quick

12
00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:11,980
foxtrot.

13
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:18,720
And then we shall interview a man whose
parents were a clairvoyant and a

14
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,920
contortionist. And as a result, he can
foresee his own end.

15
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:27,818
First, the news.

16
00:01:27,820 --> 00:01:32,780
A man who threw his mother -in -law into
the crocodile pool at London Zoo has

17
00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:35,160
been prosecuted by the RSPCA.

18
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,180
There was a disturbance at Hampton Court
Maze this afternoon. A party of Irish

19
00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:45,520
trippers panicked when they couldn't
find their way in.

20
00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:58,420
The world's most stupid man, Mr.
Brodnick Godbolt, was today found not

21
00:01:58,420 --> 00:02:01,300
trying to gas his wife by throwing her
into the North Sea.

22
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,639
In the sketch that follows, Ronnie
Corbett was to have starred in his own

23
00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,720
version of Jaws, but unfortunately, the
goldfish died.

24
00:02:55,630 --> 00:02:56,630
May I help you, sir?

25
00:02:56,970 --> 00:02:58,290
Could be, John, could be.

26
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,690
Take care of dead people, don't you,
John?

27
00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:07,970
That is our sad duty, yes, sir.

28
00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:10,430
I'd like you to take care of one for me,
if you would.

29
00:03:11,490 --> 00:03:12,490
Wooden overcoat job.

30
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,290
Wooden overcoat, sir?

31
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:20,750
Coffin, John, coffin.

32
00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:24,330
Could I have the name, please, sir?

33
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,400
No names, no pact rule, you know what I
mean?

34
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:31,360
Well, if I don't have the name of the
person concerned... I'm sorry, his name.

35
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,060
His name, you mean. Ah, understood,
yeah.

36
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:35,640
Scarlotti.

37
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,060
Luigi Scarlotti.

38
00:03:40,780 --> 00:03:42,940
Two I's, only one E.

39
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:51,380
Never mind how he lost it or where I
found the knife, it's not important, you

40
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:52,338
understand?

41
00:03:52,339 --> 00:03:55,560
Could I have the date of death, sir?
Well, very difficult for me to give you

42
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,420
date exactly. Well, just a rough date
will do, sir. Well, we were thinking

43
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:00,460
next Saturday evening.

44
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:04,920
I beg your pardon, sir?

45
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,660
Well, next Saturday, like, you know,
Bernard Manning on the telly, nobody

46
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:10,900
you know, get my point?

47
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,420
Am I to take it, sir, that Mr Scarlotti
is not yet deceased, sir?

48
00:04:16,860 --> 00:04:17,860
You got it in one.

49
00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:22,079
You're very clever. I like your style.
Yes, that's right. And that's where you

50
00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:25,680
come in, you see. As the undertaker,
we'd like you to put the screws on.

51
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,300
Put the screws on the coffin lid, you
mean? No, on Luigi.

52
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,220
But we don't want anything elaborate.
Nice, quiet affair, you know what I

53
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,059
Quiet affair?

54
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,140
What do you mean, a quiet affair?

55
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,360
Use a silencer. We don't want anything
messy.

56
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,800
Nothing too ostentatious.

57
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:42,540
Simple inscription on the wall, in
blood.

58
00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:46,350
Nobody crosses Shorty Johnson and lives.

59
00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:49,110
It's just under... Wait a minute, that's
a bit of a giveaway.

60
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:51,790
Nobody... No, we'd better use your name,
I think.

61
00:04:52,090 --> 00:04:55,730
Nobody crosses WF Black and Son Funeral
Directors and lives.

62
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:04,170
I'm sorry, sir, if our sign outside has
misled you. We merely bury people, sir.

63
00:05:04,650 --> 00:05:05,650
Bury them?

64
00:05:05,810 --> 00:05:06,810
Bury... Oh.

65
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:08,910
Well, that's a little bit tricky, isn't
it, eh?

66
00:05:09,590 --> 00:05:11,130
All right, bury them. Bury them!

67
00:05:14,099 --> 00:05:15,260
Bury him, safest way.

68
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:18,440
Only be sure you have a gag in his mouth
and all that screaming and hollering

69
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:23,200
when you... We only bury dead people,
sir.

70
00:05:24,140 --> 00:05:27,340
Well, half an hour underground, there
won't be much life left in him, will

71
00:05:27,340 --> 00:05:32,320
there? Look, sir, we are morticians. We
just arrange funerals. We do not murder

72
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,320
people, sir.

73
00:05:34,580 --> 00:05:35,580
Not even a bit?

74
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,600
Not even at all, sir.

75
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,460
It's half a grand in it for you. I mean,
you know.

76
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:45,490
Look, don't you think you're going about
this in the wrong way, sir? I mean,

77
00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:50,290
have you stopped to think? Have you
taken time out just to think for a

78
00:05:50,290 --> 00:05:51,530
the wrong you are doing?

79
00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:56,070
I can see I haven't convinced you, have
I, sir?

80
00:05:56,310 --> 00:06:01,670
Well, look, tell you what. Why don't you
phone up our parish priest, eh? What

81
00:06:01,670 --> 00:06:06,440
for? Well, he does a very good line in
Stakes Through the Heart, you see. No

82
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,320
questions asked, hat on the mail. Just
ask for Ricky the Rev. Come on, come on.

83
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:16,400
Who shall I say told me then? Just say
Harry the Hearse put you on.

84
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:24,260
Good evening.

85
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,640
Now, many people think that the GPO is
wasting enormous sums of money.

86
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,200
Well, I've been paid an enormous sum of
money by the GPO to say rubbish.

87
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,580
Rubbish. There, that's money well spent.

88
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:40,160
But seriously, you know, we at the GPO
are often asked, how can you, the

89
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:44,360
viewer, combat this endless round of
upping prices and upping wages?

90
00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,380
What can you do when we continually up
ours?

91
00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,660
The answer is simply, up yours.

92
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:59,840
like to tell you about the wonderful
improvements we're making at the GPO. We

93
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,560
know how frustrating it is for you to go
into a post office and find that there

94
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,220
are only three positions and two of them
are closed.

95
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:12,360
So in future, all post offices will have
12 positions and 11 will be closed.

96
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,800
And indeed, we're bringing out a new GPO
edition of the Kama Sutra.

97
00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:21,160
It has 186 positions and 185 of them are
closed.

98
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,420
But it doesn't end there.

99
00:07:23,690 --> 00:07:26,670
postal services, we are going to
guarantee two deliveries.

100
00:07:26,990 --> 00:07:28,750
March the 12th and September the 18th.

101
00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:35,670
Now, these new services will not, of
course, interfere with the regular mail

102
00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:41,350
robberies. And, by the way, by the way,
some stamps have come up with very

103
00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:44,390
interesting defects, which makes them
very valuable.

104
00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:46,510
Now, there we are. See if you can spot
it.

105
00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:50,150
Yes, that's it. Too big to go on the
envelope.

106
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:05,000
friends all over the country whenever
you try to dial Birmingham.

107
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:12,420
In fact, by direct dialing, you can now
get wrong numbers all over Europe.

108
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:17,040
Remember, if you're having trouble, ask
for the long -distance call girl.

109
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,840
Now, where does this get us?

110
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,920
You see? Now, note the new agreeable
ringing tone.

111
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,320
on the latest phone receiver.

112
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:33,100
This is part of the whole new range of
wonderful tones we're introducing. Now,

113
00:08:33,140 --> 00:08:37,419
one is so high that only dogs can hear
it. So if you can train your dog to

114
00:08:37,419 --> 00:08:39,659
answer the telephone, get one of those.

115
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,080
Ah, there it is now.

116
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:45,020
Hello.

117
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,580
Fido? No, he's out, I'm sorry.

118
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:51,200
Now, today you can dial almost anything.

119
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,820
I've just dialed for the sports news,
the weather, and today's recipe.

120
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,300
There was a slight cross -line, but I
can tell you that the south of England

121
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:02,320
will be simmered slowly in light rain at
20 minutes to the pound, at a

122
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:07,140
temperature of 97 for 3, and the outlook
is warm with parsley sauce, regular 7,

123
00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:08,420
West Ham 2.

124
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,240
With occasional roast potatoes.

125
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:14,600
Hello,

126
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:17,580
ducks.

127
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,640
I've told you not to phone me at work,
ducks.

128
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:26,110
But what about vandals? Well, we are
introducing a new vandal -proof phone

129
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:29,330
Now, here is a photo of some of them on
Salisbury Place.

130
00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:30,750
There we are.

131
00:09:34,710 --> 00:09:36,710
Now, at any moment... Ah, yes.

132
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,670
I've been expecting this call.

133
00:09:38,970 --> 00:09:41,010
This happens at the same time every
night.

134
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:45,070
Hello? No, I'm not wearing a frilly
black nightie, you disgusting pervert.

135
00:09:46,990 --> 00:09:48,010
Try later tonight.

136
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:14,580
Here is the new standard GPO parcel.
From now on, all goods will be specially

137
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:18,000
designed to fit these parcels. You'll be
surprised...

138
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:19,220
How much you can send.

139
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,740
Here, for instance, here is a football,
you see.

140
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,320
Football. And here we have a grand
piano.

141
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,340
There we have a bicycle wheel.

142
00:10:37,820 --> 00:10:38,960
That's the wife, silly girl.

143
00:10:49,970 --> 00:10:54,570
Lastly, the problem of unwanted mail.
Now, a lady in Bronsbury writes, I'm

144
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:59,790
worried. Today, I received a very frank
pamphlet entitled, Seven Ways of Getting

145
00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:00,990
Pregnant Through My Letterbox.

146
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:08,170
Well, Mrs. S... Well, Mrs. S, we have
checked on this, and there are

147
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:10,370
only three ways of getting pregnant
through your letterbox.

148
00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:12,910
So, keep your pecker up.

149
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:14,750
Oh, that's four ways. That's four ways.

150
00:11:16,030 --> 00:11:18,050
Well, there you have it. Oh, five.

151
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:22,800
So... If you want to send your newborn
baby a telegram for his hundredth

152
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,920
birthday, you'd better start queuing
now.

153
00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,140
Good night.

154
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,920
Victorian London continued to be
outraged by terrible attacks and

155
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,740
confrontations during those dark
autumnal days of 1898.

156
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:04,760
I have never been so...

157
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:10,380
Police seemed to be powerless, although
they were tireless in their efforts to

158
00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:11,380
trap the assailant.

159
00:12:12,780 --> 00:12:16,280
Even Mr Disraeli had recently become the
victim of an attack.

160
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:17,560
My wallet.

161
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:21,500
But now, the scene moves to Chiswick.

162
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:26,980
An amateur cameraman captured this
unique piece of evidence in an

163
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,240
bizarre affair.

164
00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:33,700
The latest victim was the Dowager
Duchess of Arrgh in broad daylight on

165
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:34,700
towpath of the river.

166
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:40,120
The Duchess was rendered unconscious by
a series of gigantic raspberries. And as

167
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,580
she lay senseless, the fiend tattooed a
raspberry on each of her knees.

168
00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:51,910
We left her drifting helplessly in the
Thames. This time, the Home Office

169
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:52,910
stepped in.

170
00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:03,390
Cores of suspect were rounded up.

171
00:13:08,890 --> 00:13:12,610
Finally, the numbers were whittled down
to one man.

172
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,460
This looks like the man.

173
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:23,340
Sergeant Bowles, will you organise an
identity parade?

174
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,699
Sure.

175
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,660
I never did nothing.

176
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,580
Nothing? Nothing?

177
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:31,420
What a terrible way to speak. Where did
you go to school?

178
00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:32,620
Arrow.

179
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,400
Come on here.

180
00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:36,660
In your cup.

181
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,519
This way.

182
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,520
Over there.

183
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:47,000
Sergeant Bowles, are they all genuine
passers -by?

184
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,780
No, I've got them. Arid, sir.

185
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,500
Bowles, bring in the Duchess. Yes, sir.

186
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,760
That's the man.

187
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:02,600
I'm the inspector.

188
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,840
Corner of the yard.

189
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,720
Many's the time.

190
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:12,160
Before we proceed, Your Grace, I
understand the fiend tattooed parts of

191
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,160
body. May we see them?

192
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:14,380
Certainly.

193
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:15,820
Bowles, assist her, Grace.

194
00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:17,060
Yes, sir.

195
00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:21,430
Genuine raspberries?

196
00:14:22,270 --> 00:14:23,750
And I speak as a gardener.

197
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:25,970
Right in the middle of the knee there,
yes.

198
00:14:26,410 --> 00:14:28,590
They shall have to be photographed as
evidence.

199
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,770
My knees, are they important?

200
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:34,090
Well, of course they are, my dear,
otherwise your legs wouldn't bend in the

201
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,090
middle.

202
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,570
Pardon me, I didn't put them away.

203
00:14:37,750 --> 00:14:38,750
Your Grace,

204
00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:43,830
would you choose one of these men from
this line here, please?

205
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:45,070
Just one?

206
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:46,310
One will be enough.

207
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,760
to organize a noise test, please.

208
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,520
Number one. Number one.

209
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:35,899
Once more.

210
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:36,900
Oh, really?

211
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:37,920
Ah, oh.

212
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,880
This is a gross violation of individual
liberty.

213
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,100
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

214
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,900
In the weeks that followed, the Phantom
relentlessly continued his attacks on

215
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:50,900
the aristocracy.

216
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:55,160
Inevitably, the news filtered through to
the darkest corners of the far -flung

217
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,160
empire, including Buckingham Palace.

218
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,440
Tempers were short. Nerves were frayed
in the royal household.

219
00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:08,290
On the morning of November the 12th,
Edward VII, then Prince of Wales, was

220
00:16:08,290 --> 00:16:11,150
arguing with his royal mother, Queen
Victoria.

221
00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:19,010
Oh, for heaven's sake, Edward, sit down.

222
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:21,990
I will not have you disobeying orders.

223
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:23,610
You will stay at home.

224
00:16:24,290 --> 00:16:28,610
Mama, why will you never let me do
anything? You never allow me to do

225
00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:31,090
You treat me as if I were a child.

226
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:35,220
What's the problem? point of being
Edward, Prince of Wales, if I'm never

227
00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:36,220
to do anything.

228
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:37,620
Oh, please, Edward, please.

229
00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:39,700
What is it you want to do?

230
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,560
I thought I might go out and look for
conkers.

231
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:49,960
No, you'll not leave this palace. Not
with this terrible phantom gooseberry

232
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:50,960
sucker.

233
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:53,960
Raspberry blower, Mama.

234
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,060
Well, whatever it is, it's fruity.

235
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:59,400
And anything fruity is never to be
trusted.

236
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:04,390
My dear Albert would have nothing to do
with anything fruity.

237
00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:08,730
They named a pear after him. Well, they
named a potato after you.

238
00:17:08,990 --> 00:17:09,990
What does that mean?

239
00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:13,030
It doesn't mean you've got to stuff
yourself with chips.

240
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:14,869
Where do you want to go?

241
00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:18,930
Why don't you find yourself a nice girl,
a nice Jewish girl, bring her home,

242
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:19,990
meet your mother.

243
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:23,310
Mama,

244
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:28,030
you're not Jewish.

245
00:17:35,110 --> 00:17:36,110
Do it.

246
00:17:41,790 --> 00:17:44,410
I'm sorry, Edward. It's the effect of my
mixed blood.

247
00:17:45,350 --> 00:17:46,350
What were you saying?

248
00:17:46,470 --> 00:17:48,150
The phantom raspberry, blah, blah, blah.

249
00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:49,590
Oh, yes, Mr.

250
00:17:49,790 --> 00:17:51,770
Gladstone said it could be almost
anybody.

251
00:17:52,190 --> 00:17:54,990
And almost everyone else says it could
be Mr. Gladstone.

252
00:17:55,490 --> 00:17:59,750
Just because he prowls around late at
night talking to ladies of the street.

253
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,280
What's wrong with that?

254
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,680
Nothing. I think that's what I'll do.

255
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:10,400
Now, what about this game? Oh, very
well, very well.

256
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:11,800
What do you want?

257
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,380
Go on, bust me for a shitting.

258
00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:18,420
One by one. Your money, come on. Here.

259
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,040
Edward.

260
00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:25,420
Edward. That noise.

261
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,040
Was that you?

262
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,900
Yes. I... You?

263
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,500
It... It can't be.

264
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:36,760
What do you mean?

265
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,480
What are you staring at me like that
for, Mama?

266
00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:41,060
Answer me!

267
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:42,220
Answer me!

268
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:43,700
Is it possible?

269
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:48,620
Could it be that our own Edward, Prince
of Wales, is the dreaded monster?

270
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,260
Someone so near to the dear Queen?

271
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,280
If this is so...

272
00:18:55,580 --> 00:19:00,620
then nothing at all can stand in the way
of the phantom raspberry blower of old

273
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:01,680
London town.

274
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,760
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

275
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:22,920
They have to be a mortal human.

276
00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:32,870
But I look for the light through the
pouring rain I

277
00:19:32,870 --> 00:19:39,710
know it's a game that I hate to lose I'm

278
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:43,750
feeling the stress Ain't it a shame

279
00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:19,680
Beginning to think that

280
00:23:21,770 --> 00:23:24,310
Suppose he told you to take two aspirins
and call him in the morning if you

281
00:23:24,310 --> 00:23:25,330
weren't feeling any better, eh?

282
00:23:25,530 --> 00:23:28,970
He says the cure for my problem is love.

283
00:23:30,190 --> 00:23:33,170
Well, that's the cure for everybody's
problem. I mean, don't you have a doctor

284
00:23:33,170 --> 00:23:33,949
to tell you that?

285
00:23:33,950 --> 00:23:37,790
He says I need to have love at least
seven times a week.

286
00:23:41,030 --> 00:23:42,030
How many?

287
00:23:42,450 --> 00:23:43,450
Seven.

288
00:23:43,510 --> 00:23:44,510
At least.

289
00:23:47,290 --> 00:23:48,590
Well, put me down for two.

290
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,880
Senator Grunston, a candidate for the
United States presidency, complained

291
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,760
that just because he likes to go down to
his Carolina poultry farm, help with

292
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:11,100
the harvest, and preserve his beetroots,
that doesn't make him a cotton

293
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:12,280
-picking, chicken -plucking pickle
-decker.

294
00:24:22,540 --> 00:24:27,200
Complaints were made following the
chef's annual fancy -dress ball last

295
00:24:27,260 --> 00:24:31,630
It seems a woman... dressed in
gooseberries and cream, made improper

296
00:24:31,630 --> 00:24:34,090
to a man dressed in cake and sherry.

297
00:24:36,670 --> 00:24:39,350
She made a proper fool of herself and
got a trifle excited.

298
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:46,270
After a marriage lasting only seven
days, a newspaper editor's wife has

299
00:24:46,270 --> 00:24:50,230
petition for divorce on the grounds that
he is too small a type, she's become

300
00:24:50,230 --> 00:24:54,050
bored with his special features, and he
refuses to give her a late -night extra.

301
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:02,300
A man who broke into Bridget Bardo's
bedroom and laid his hands on her

302
00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:04,460
has been found guilty, but insane.

303
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:14,120
Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who this year has made a lot of

304
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,440
on the Greyhounds, as a jockey.

305
00:25:52,430 --> 00:25:53,430
fork handles.

306
00:25:54,030 --> 00:25:55,530
Handles for forks.

307
00:26:21,740 --> 00:26:22,800
Rubble and barf.

308
00:27:17,390 --> 00:27:18,390
Saw tips.

309
00:27:25,290 --> 00:27:28,510
What do you want, ointment or something
like that?

310
00:27:32,490 --> 00:27:35,310
No, saw tips, but covering the saws.
Tips.

311
00:27:35,670 --> 00:27:36,910
No, we haven't got any.

312
00:27:37,630 --> 00:27:38,870
It's coming in, but we haven't got any.

313
00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:40,330
Got any hoes?

314
00:28:37,770 --> 00:28:38,569
for a gate.

315
00:28:38,570 --> 00:28:39,850
Mon repose.

316
00:30:13,659 --> 00:30:14,840
No, tins of peas.

317
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,480
Food time.

318
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,020
What, windscreen washers, car washers,
dishwashers, floor washers, back

319
00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:37,440
scrubbers, lavatory cleaners, floor
washers... Half -inch washers. Oh, tap

320
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:40,500
washers, tap washers. Look, I've had
about enough of this. Give us that dish.

321
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:42,540
Make you and me self down here. What's
this?

322
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,080
What's that?

323
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,740
Oh, that does it. That does it. I've had
just about enough of this. Mr Jones!

324
00:31:58,570 --> 00:32:02,650
like one or two thank

325
00:32:02,650 --> 00:32:10,870
you

326
00:32:10,870 --> 00:32:15,150
very much before before i start whatever
i'm going to talk about i must

327
00:32:15,150 --> 00:32:21,070
apologize for a joke i'm going to tell
you you know which is not very funny now

328
00:32:21,070 --> 00:32:26,050
no so i'll just have to i'll have to ask
you to believe that i'm only obeying

329
00:32:26,050 --> 00:32:27,050
orders you know

330
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:31,560
if I don't, I could find myself back
doing guest appearances on Magic

331
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:32,560
Roundabout.

332
00:32:34,860 --> 00:32:37,900
And it can get pretty hot in that Dougal
skin.

333
00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:44,020
Now, I know what you're thinking. Here
he goes, making a feeble excuse to tell

334
00:32:44,020 --> 00:32:46,780
another old joke. Actually, I suppose
that's a little bit presumptuous of me,

335
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:48,940
you know, because you might be thinking
something else altogether.

336
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:54,280
You might be thinking, shall I wear my
blue hat when Auntie Ethel is ordained

337
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,280
Friday?

338
00:32:56,590 --> 00:32:59,290
might be thinking, when Kojak shaves,
where does he actually start?

339
00:33:00,870 --> 00:33:06,350
So before you defect to the other side,
let me explain that just before the show

340
00:33:06,350 --> 00:33:10,370
started, I was having a chat with the
producer, you know. Well, to be honest,

341
00:33:10,370 --> 00:33:14,730
all draw lots before the programme, and
the loser has a chat with the producer.

342
00:33:16,910 --> 00:33:19,450
Makes him feel sort of, you know, part
of the team.

343
00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:26,710
Anyway, he said to me, what are you
doing for your... for your little bit

344
00:33:26,710 --> 00:33:27,710
of nonsense.

345
00:33:29,430 --> 00:33:31,530
What are you doing for your little bit
of nonsense tonight?

346
00:33:32,030 --> 00:33:34,830
He's quite educated, you know, but a bit
thick.

347
00:33:37,190 --> 00:33:42,170
Would you believe that he studied
medicine for four years and decided it

348
00:33:42,170 --> 00:33:43,390
nasty stuff you'd take on a spoon?

349
00:33:46,050 --> 00:33:50,450
Then he said, he said, why don't you,
why don't you tell that joke I told you

350
00:33:50,450 --> 00:33:53,550
about the lady with the little
continental car with the engine in the

351
00:33:54,210 --> 00:33:58,860
I said, well, frankly, Terry. I mean,
you know, I don't really think it's all

352
00:33:58,860 --> 00:33:59,860
that funny.

353
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,620
He said, well, they loved it at the
squash club.

354
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:08,300
He said, they loved it at the squash
club. He belongs to this club, you know.

355
00:34:08,460 --> 00:34:10,440
Every Saturday night they buy a bottle
of squash.

356
00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:20,340
He said, if you know what's good for
you, you'll do as you're told, he said.

357
00:34:20,620 --> 00:34:23,719
Remember, he said, you still have
relations in Welling Garden City.

358
00:34:26,540 --> 00:34:32,820
So I am going to tell you a rather
interesting little story about

359
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:37,500
a housewife who has just bought one of
those little continental motor cars.

360
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,699
And the first morning, she drives down
to the supermarket.

361
00:34:41,199 --> 00:34:45,120
And, by the way, that is the only thing
I do like about the joke.

362
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,340
It's got the sort of common touch, you
know. There's a housewife and a small

363
00:34:49,340 --> 00:34:51,560
and a supermarket and a crash.

364
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,980
No, there isn't. There's nothing like
that. Nothing like that in this story.

365
00:34:56,429 --> 00:35:00,690
I'm mixing it up, actually, with the one
about the lady driver, you know, who

366
00:35:00,690 --> 00:35:02,970
knocked over a dog that ran out into the
middle of the pavement.

367
00:35:07,270 --> 00:35:11,290
Well, I suppose... It's natural, really,
because I did it because I was a bit

368
00:35:11,290 --> 00:35:15,510
upset about my wife getting a summons
yesterday for parking on the pavement. A

369
00:35:15,510 --> 00:35:16,510
bit upset.

370
00:35:16,670 --> 00:35:18,370
Actually, she wasn't parked on the
pavement.

371
00:35:18,710 --> 00:35:21,490
She was passing a bus on the near side
when she ran out of petrol.

372
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,320
There is our housewife driving down to
the supermarket, you see.

373
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:36,720
A little bit of driving there, you know,
just gives the story a bit of

374
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:37,720
authenticity.

375
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:39,780
Nothing's too much trouble, you know.

376
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:43,660
If you don't like the joke, you can
applaud the effort, can't you?

377
00:35:45,460 --> 00:35:47,660
So she poos up outside the supermarket.

378
00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:50,540
Actually, this is not the best chair.

379
00:35:50,860 --> 00:35:54,180
It's not the best chair for doing car
jokes, because you can't reach the

380
00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:55,180
handbrake.

381
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,300
When she's done her shopping, she comes
out, and it won't start.

382
00:35:59,540 --> 00:36:02,780
Well, the time she's taken in there has
probably run out of petrol. So there she

383
00:36:02,780 --> 00:36:03,780
is. There she is.

384
00:36:03,820 --> 00:36:05,640
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

385
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,160
Nothing. Nothing. Oh, dear, she thinks.

386
00:36:08,540 --> 00:36:12,660
I knew I should have bought a British
car, and not one of these Continentals.

387
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:14,960
Little plug for British exports, you
know.

388
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,720
There'll be no sleep at British Leylands
tonight.

389
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,320
So she cleans.

390
00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:24,720
So she cleans the wing mirrors, empties
the ashtray.

391
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,540
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

392
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:31,280
Still nothing.

393
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,680
So she says to herself, perhaps it's
something to do with the engine, you

394
00:36:36,900 --> 00:36:39,140
Perhaps the lead has come off the
prudential.

395
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,680
Or the overdraft is stuck.

396
00:36:43,940 --> 00:36:45,460
She opens the bonnet.

397
00:36:45,700 --> 00:36:47,560
Lady down here believes she's got an
overdraft.

398
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,380
Of course, she opens the bonnet. Of
course, there's nothing in there but a

399
00:36:51,380 --> 00:36:52,540
wheel. Good heavens, she said.

400
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:53,880
Someone's pinched the engine.

401
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,360
of the old values. She said, bring back
national service. And what happened to

402
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:00,360
capital punishment?

403
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:01,780
And the crusty white loaf.

404
00:37:04,700 --> 00:37:07,460
Now, I don't know why she said that, you
know, but she did.

405
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:12,440
And just as she did, another lady who
had just parked her own car came over

406
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:14,620
said, may I be of some assistance, my
dear?

407
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,740
She said, may I be of some assistance?
What seems to be the trouble?

408
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,660
Well, she said, I've parked my car here
while I slipped into the supermarket to

409
00:37:21,660 --> 00:37:22,820
get a cod's head for the cat.

410
00:37:24,750 --> 00:37:26,710
My husband is thinking of doing a
transplant.

411
00:37:30,410 --> 00:37:32,770
On my return, the car won't start.

412
00:37:33,070 --> 00:37:34,830
Well, when I opened the bonnet, there
was no engine.

413
00:37:35,210 --> 00:37:38,850
Some miscreant was made off of the
works. The other lady said, well, bless

414
00:37:38,850 --> 00:37:42,350
soul, they'll take anything these days.
My husband blames the Labour government

415
00:37:42,350 --> 00:37:44,130
and the free orange juice.

416
00:37:45,290 --> 00:37:50,150
He said, but don't worry, your troubles
are over, because my car over there is

417
00:37:50,150 --> 00:37:51,690
exactly the same model as this one.

418
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,700
And I have a spare engine in the boot.
You can have that.

419
00:39:37,230 --> 00:39:38,410
Me and Mrs.

420
00:39:38,690 --> 00:39:41,670
Iggybottom come here every morning to
look after the band.

421
00:39:41,930 --> 00:39:45,530
Scrub the stage and empty out the kettle
drums. Boy, this is fantastic.

422
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:50,090
Rain or shine, we're always at the ready
and we're never lackadaisical or

423
00:39:50,090 --> 00:39:54,150
hateful. Where else could you meet so
many fellows? We are just a pair of

424
00:39:54,150 --> 00:39:55,150
scrubbers who are grateful.

425
00:39:55,870 --> 00:40:01,730
They look so charming. Some of them are
quite an army when they play their

426
00:40:01,730 --> 00:40:04,970
obligato. Half of them are pizzicato.

427
00:40:05,950 --> 00:40:11,430
..like travel, have always quite excited
me. I love to travel.

428
00:40:11,730 --> 00:40:15,950
I'm more of a French horn girl, you see.
Sun -kissed nights from the

429
00:40:15,950 --> 00:40:20,530
Mediterranean. Pillow fights with a
Randy Rubinian. Catching romance when it

430
00:40:20,530 --> 00:40:22,970
falls. In the orchestra stalls.

431
00:40:23,510 --> 00:40:28,070
Me and Mrs Iggybottom love it when we
get put on these orchestra jobs.

432
00:40:28,410 --> 00:40:32,290
My first husband used to play the organ,
so I've always quite liked twiddling.

433
00:40:33,990 --> 00:40:34,990
Oh,

434
00:40:35,410 --> 00:40:37,450
I used to have an uncle in the woodwind.
Oh.

435
00:40:37,670 --> 00:40:41,750
But he would eat radishes for supper and
was consequently not a very good wind.

436
00:40:42,310 --> 00:40:46,150
Every week, week, work till Sunday. Have
it all, then back.

437
00:40:48,940 --> 00:40:55,100
Riley keeping the performance tidy.
Sometimes there are times when I would

438
00:40:55,100 --> 00:40:56,100
to go myself.

439
00:40:56,180 --> 00:41:02,880
I could make music with anyone off the
bottom shelf. So when they go for their

440
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:08,100
tea break, here's the kind of sound that
we make. Let the work go hang while we

441
00:41:08,100 --> 00:41:09,580
both have a bang.

442
00:41:55,720 --> 00:42:01,060
in Camden Town. Tell them, girl, now
they're going to pull them down.

443
00:42:01,380 --> 00:42:03,760
Oh, what a disgrace.

444
00:42:05,340 --> 00:42:11,740
That's what Harry tried to do. But I
slapped his face.

445
00:42:13,060 --> 00:42:16,060
Camden Town, my little town.

446
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:19,240
Oh, my childhood dream.

447
00:42:20,180 --> 00:42:23,480
We could live on half a crown.

448
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:25,040
Now,

449
00:43:42,890 --> 00:43:46,110
that's all for this week, but here are
two items of late news.

450
00:43:46,490 --> 00:43:50,850
We've just heard that British Leyland
strikers have been fitting silencers to

451
00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:53,950
motorhorns, and now the cars don't give
a hoot either.

452
00:43:57,450 --> 00:44:01,690
And we've heard from a very disappointed
guest at the Charles Dickens Society's

453
00:44:01,690 --> 00:44:02,770
annual nudist weekend.

454
00:44:03,230 --> 00:44:08,130
He had great expectations, but it was a
very bleak house, and everybody laughed

455
00:44:08,130 --> 00:44:09,130
at his little Dorrit.

456
00:44:16,330 --> 00:44:18,950
Brian Foster, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.